INTRODUCING...THE FASHION DICTATOR

Have you ever looking your closet, your drawers, your laundry basket and just wanted to give up? You know you love fashion, mostly, but sometimes just get tired of all the choices and don't know what to wear next, which way to wear your hair, whether blue eye shadow is a good idea or not? Why not ask THE FASHION DICTATOR? THE FASHION DICTATOR is not afraid to tell you exactly what you're doing right or wrong - okay, let's face it, he's not afraid to tell you what you're doing wrong, mostly. We here at adviceonfashion.com try to keep an open mind, but he does not. He's a legend in his own perfectly chapeau'ed head.

If you have questions for THE FASHION DICTATOR, please e-mail him. If you properly intrigue him with your question, he just might answer you.

And now...introducing THE FASHION DICTATOR.

AND NOW A FEW WORDS FROM THE FASHION DICTATOR

 Ahem...I’d like to report a major fashion faux pas in the vicinity of Moe’s bagels on 6th and Logan-ish. A certain person was seen looking sleepy with uncombed hair, boot-cut pants (so 1991 to 2005 - r.i.p.), an old peacoat and a red knitted scarf (circa 2006 - r.i.p.) And an oversized black faux (no peta protests for her) fur cap. She ordered a large chai tea and a chocolate chip toasted bagel with maple walnut cream cheese (right to the hips, baby...). Trying to hide her identity unsuccessfully to a few fellow customers sitting at the table nearby (one of whom she knew but couldn't bring herself to say hello knowing she wasn't at her best...who was she kidding she was close to her worst - although he-who-would-judge was wearing a juicy-coutewhoreish velour ensemble - so 2004 - r.i.p.) Wearing her latest dark shades (they look like big bug glasses - so 2007, the only thing she did right that day).

She took her chai and went back to work only to find upon sitting at her desk that she had forgotten the god-forsaken calorie-laden bagel back at moe's. Still not sure why she felt so off-kilter, she walked into the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror and found yesterday's black mascara making it's powdery way down her lower eyelids. Beyond smoky, if only they could be described as smoky, she laughed out loud at the major fashion faux pas she committed that morning  - but The Fashion Dictator does not forgive her!

The next day, she decided to go bowling and rented a pair of those strange two-toned monstrosities for her shoes. Horror of horrors.

Do not follow in her footsteps or you'll be fashionably sorry. I know what I'm talking about,

The Fashion Dictator.

THE FASHION DICTATOR IS OFFENDED

Hello, my little yum-yums...how are you? Fashion dictator here...I would like to ask you something. Since when did highlights become such a big thing? If I have a pet peeve about something currently happening in fashion (if fashion is really what you want to call it), it's highlights. I have been known to make my fashion mistakes (Flock of Seagulls haircut, creatively-shaped sideburns, orange hair which was not supposed to be orange). The Fashion Dictator is not too proud to admit.

A few years ago, I got caught up in my crazy hairstylist's idea of what I should look like, don't ask me why. She was crazy! In one year of seeing her, this is what happened in her life: new boyfriend, he was oh-so hot, so rock-n-roll sexy! A hairstylist, too (uh-oh warning signs), he was totally against bobs, wouldn't do them, never... They dated, fought constantly and got married! And then with my last appointment, they were divorced!

And me, the fashion dictator, actually listened to this crazy girl. Highlights, she said, are happening. That was like how many years ago and they're still happening. And I will just say, highlights are unhappening. For those of you who have been trolling the internet (maybe what brought you here, lucky one) and haven't been paying attention to such important things as highlights, hairstylists take your hair and lighten parts and darken parts and call it beautiful. To be sure, there's some hair peeps who know what they're doing and do it well - no one would know the diff but in many, many cases, it just looks like too, too much.

There are simply too many shades of color in many women's hair! Stop it! The fashion dictator is offended!

Blondes, two to three shades are enough - when you've got reds and blacks and platinum tones in your hair, it looks like your hair person just went too far! And I bet you're spending a pretty penny for it, too!

Brunettes, you are brunette for a reason. Highlights make you look cheap!

Redheads - luckily, it seems most stylists leave you alone - you confuse them!

If you want to do highlights as a lark, for fun, in a kind of punk way, okay. I can see that. But let it be obvious. Go for the obviously over-the-top, because you know you're being ironic but otherwise, tell your hairstylist to stop with all the mixing and the aluminum foil and the strange colors.

Down with tacky color! So saith I, the fashion dictator.

P.S. leave the perfectly blown-out hair-fresh-from-the-salon look unless you're trying to look like Jackie O, which is always the height of fashion for Halloween, darling. If your hair looks even vaguely like a helmet after your cut and blow dry, wash your hair immediately!

Yours,
The Fashion Dictator

À BON CHAT, BON RAT FROM THE FASHION DICTATOR

 Ahahahah! Stole the laptop back from le mona, who is right now slaving away, mopping her floors, drafting patterns and drinking her chai (she is a bohemian want-to-be).

Le Fashion Dictator here...hello, my bon mots, as you can probably already tell, Le Fashion Dictator knows no French, but feels an affinity for the French people. The love of chic dressing, being snobbish, eating petit meals, and smoking are affinities that le dictator shares with the loveable French.

Mon amours, have you heard the latest thing that has happened to le French, eet es horribluh! Cigarette smoking has been banned in the whole country, nec'st spa (a new place where you can get Brazilians - as in a very close shave - in Denver's Highlands)?

Have you not heard? According to the BBC, "people lighting up in airports, railway stations, hospitals, schools, shops and offices will face fines. Restaurants and bars have until December to comply." tout le monde must stop puffing!

Eet keels me to hear these! How can one possibly look chic without a cigarette dangling from one's mouth?
Oh, the gestures that will be lost. The elbow on the table with cigarette in hand, placed high, blowing distractedly into the air while theenking deep thoughts, how can we lose these? How can these be?

The Fashion Dictator has observed many a chic person (si vous plais, don't say "fashionista", the word ees only used by those who aren't) smoking in the most dramatic and graceful ways, so provocative and sexy. Let's face eet! Smoking ees sexy! Some of the greatest clothing has been named after the ritual of smoking..."le smoking"(jacket), "le cigarette"(pant)...

A revoir, style! A revoir le cigarette!

À bientôt,

Le Fashion Dictator

(I will now eat a bon bon and a truffle and smoke a puff in solidarity)
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